What 2017 means to me?

Let me start each chapter of my journey begin with one word.

Courage

The most memorable event will be my first solo trip on my 27th birthday. I went to Tokyo to stay with a host family greeted by two cats.

Spiritually

I grow up in a Buddhist family. When I was young, I follow my father to become a Buddhist. It is common to follow the same religion as my family. In fact, most of my relatives are Buddhist or free-thinker. During the different stages of my life, I drew apart from my father for a period of time. We have quarreled countless of time over different views about his religion. Recent years, I have learnt that there is nothing to do with the religion. It is just my father not listening to me.

Slowly, I start to become an atheist. I always believe that I have control over situations in life. These two years have been extremely tough for me to overcome challenges in life. I start to realize that I have used up all my strengths to apply on the challenges. Nothing has changed. I have no power to change the issues on my hand.

During April, I was on the verge to give up going back to workforce. I remember telling my friend that if there is a God can hear my prayer to ease my anxiety going back to work. I will believe Him that will exist. Therefore, she brought me to church.

That’s the first time I felt that He has answered my prayer. Yes, I managed to go back to work after a month break. Together with a peaceful mind :) Praise the Lord!

Happiness

It took me near two years to go back to my passion (dance). I remember I gave up dance as I want to spend more time with my previous partner.

Ended up I lost my passion and previous relationship. I regret this decision very much as I started dancing since I was 21.

I learn that dance gives me true happiness which I cannot find in a relationship. So I will never give up dance for anything else.

Hope

Whenever I feel disheartened in myself, my start-up is the one will bring colours back to my life. I remember I initiated various events, give talks, inspire others, being interviewed of my experiences and etc.

It really taught me not to trade for anything in life. This serves a reminder that it is my higher self. I can make a difference in myself and others.

Forgiveness

This is something which is I am still trying to practice till now. It ‘eat me up’ quite badly within me. Sometimes letting go of the pain is better than holding onto it. Nothing will change if I keep on not letting go.

I wish one day I can be kinder to myself by letting go the traumatic experiences I went through in the past.

I hope I can forgive myself for all the things I done to myself and others

I want to move on from the hurt and anger caused by my mother and my previous partner who hurt me the most.

I know I can do it one day.

Disappointment

I remember my favourite employer said to me that ‘Once the door closes, God will open another door for me’ :)

2. I could not self-regulate my emotions. It sucks when I am unable to manage emotions. Everything can be my triggers. It pain me the most when I ended up hurting people who I truly loved. Often, I ended up hurting myself because I think ‘I deserve it’.

The truth is I know with time and efforts, I am able to breakthrough this struggle. Recovering is a journey in life. I cannot compare to my journey with anybody else but myself.

I wish people around me can be more patient and understanding towards me. I am only human being. I am not perfect. Only a perfect creation in Jesus eyes :)

Gratitude

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